Book excerpts
"Growth into Manhood" by Alan Medinger
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Chapter One Excerpt: The Journey
Homosexuality is at its core an identity problem. Such a man does not feel like a man, at least as he perceives the way other men feel about themselves. Dr. Bill Consiglio referred to this as "gender emptiness." He doesn't feel like a woman, and he may not yet have taken on a gay or homosexual identity, but he feels empty in some place where he senses he should feel solid….In terms of having gone through all the stages of growth that take most little boys from childhood to full manhood, he found the process too difficult or too painful, so he took his leave and skipped out of a part of it….
Now, 15 , 20 or 40 years later, if you want to resume your growth, you will have to venture back out into the world of men and boys. Essentially, you are going to have to develop your manhood in the same way that young boys do, through a process of learning, testing, failing, getting back up and testing again, and finally succeeding. We grow into the fullness of manhood by doing the things that men do.
Chapter Two Excerpt: Growth Into Manhood: Essential for Healing
(The homosexual man) will not recover until behavior, attractions and identity have all been dealt with and to some extent transformed. Although his natural inclination may be to focus on behavior and attractions -- because this is where he feels the most distress -- I believe that the richest fruit will be borne in his life if he focuses most strongly (and early on) in the area of identity.
This is true for two reasons: First, identity is more amenable to direct attack than behavior or attractions….(It) can be changed significantly through a program of conscious choices and specific actions…. Second, a man's incomplete male identity is what drives and directs homosexual behavior and attractions….
With respect to attractions, the essence of sexual attraction seems to be "differences" or "otherness"… What if a man does not have the inner sense that he is a man? Will he experience attraction to a woman? Will she be his "other"? No, and this is critical. If he feels that he is not complete as a man, his first longing will be not for women but for complete manhood; he will be drawn to the masculine in other males. This will be his "other." This will be his missing rib… It follows, then, that the development of our manhood - finding completion in ourselves -- will do great things both to decrease our same-sex attractions and to start drawing us sexually to women.
Chapter Three Excerpt: The Way a Man Develops
Growth encompasses the following steps:
1. Physiological…
2. Separating from the mother: This occurs…psychologically in the boy's taking on an identity separate from his mother.
3. Identifying with the father or "the man"…
4. Modeling after or imitating the father…
5. Testing his manhood: He wants to prove that he is like his father, so he tests himself to be affirmed that he is a man like his father, seeking affirmation first from his father and then from his peers.
6. Getting affirmed: He gets feedback from his father or peers that tells him he is indeed a man.
7. Accepting his manhood: Affirmation has been sufficient for him to accept internally that he is a man.
…Identification is a far less mysterious thing than bonding, and it is something that could occur at any time, even in adulthood. Hopefully, as you are reading this book, if you have never done so before, you will come to the point at which you will say, "Aha! I am not that different from other men. I am a man, and there is no reason why I can't grow into a full sense of my manhood."
…The primary affirmer in the early years usually is Dad…In early adolescence the search for affirmation is broadened. It focuses on peers. The process is competitive and has the potential to produce some losses and some pain. For this reason many boys will seek an environment where their successes will outnumber their failures. This process almost always takes place in a group environment, and the boy will start fulfilling that strange, almost universal male longing to belong to a group of men. The combination of achieving, being affirmed, and belonging can make this a wonderful experience for a young boy.
Chapter Five Excerpt: Is It Possible for Us Now?
If the steps outlined in chapter 3 are truly necessary for growth into manhood and you skipped some of them or went through them only partially, then at some point you still have to go through them if you are ever to experience full manhood. God heals our physical, emotional, and even our spiritual brokenness, but it is safe to say, God does not heal our immaturity. He wants us to grow out of it….In one way or another, you will have to go through all of the steps that lead to full, mature manhood - separating from the mother, identifying with the father or the "man," modeling, testing my manhood, getting affirmed, accepting my manhood.
…Like a boy, we must be affirmed by men; they are the ones we still see as having the authority to affirm manhood. And like it or not, like a boy, affirmation must come from what we do.
…Manhood is formed in the company of men, and so affirmation must be sought on their terms. This clearly presents a dilemma. You may not like watching football and you may have no ability to fix cars. But a broader understanding of masculinity will expand the areas in which you can recognize and receive affirmation from men. For example, if three men in your church have decided to rebuild the fence around the church playground and they decide to ask you to join them, the very asking will be affirming. Implicit in their asking is the statement that you are one of the men.
…The primary principle of the program is also the basis of this book: We grow into manhood by doing the things that men do.
Chapter Seven Excerpt: Understanding the Masculine
The problem in the homosexual man is not that he has too much of the feminine but too little of the masculine. Can there also be too much of the feminine? Could we have too great a capacity to nurture, to communicate, to understand, too great an ability to respond and help? No, any man who has a surplus of these things is blessed and is likely to be a blessing to others. Maybe in your homosexual struggles you have thought that you are too sensitive, too verbal, too intuitive. I don't think you can be. Look at yourself again. Do these qualities make your life difficult? Are they what hold you back from getting on with your life? I doubt it. Isn't it your inability to initiate, to exercise authority, to function as you are expected to do in the physical world of men that give you such distress?
…This is not the only problem at the root of male homosexuality, and I am not saying that it is present in every struggler, but it has been in most of the men whom I have encountered in this ministry over the last 20 years.
The good news -- the really great news -- is that it is not too late to develop the masculine part of you….
June 04, 2010
Evidence that rape is considered manly and doesn't have the same stigma for men as 'sex with men'
In South Africa, rape is linked to manhood
Source: Mail & Guardian online
THE SMART NEWS SOURCE Jun 04 2010 15:03 LAST UPDATED Jun 04 2010 15:03
In South Africa, rape is linked to manhood
CELEAN JACOBSON MULDERSDRIFT, SOUTH AFRICA - Jul 09 2009 18:09
Dumisani Rebombo had not been circumcised, did house chores considered girls' work and was sick of being taunted for not being a man. So he took the only other course considered "manly" in his rural South African village: He raped a girl.
He was 15, the victim younger. Twenty years later he searched for the woman to beg her forgiveness -- a rarity in a nation where a culture of sexual violence is deeply embedded in society.
Rebombo agreed to share his story as researchers presented findings on Thursday at an international conference outside Johannesburg that more than one in four South African men surveyed admitted to committing rape.
A recent report published by Interpol said South Africa had the highest rape rate among its member states.
Police figures record about 54 000 rapes in South Africa in 2006 -- nearly 150 per day, or one for every 925 people in the country.
That does not tell the whole story: advocates say many attacks go unreported because of the stigma and trauma.
In comparison, Americans reported one rape for every 2 642 people in 2006 -- roughly a third of the South African rate.
"Rape is an expression of male sexual entitlement," said Rachel Jewkes, chief researcher of the survey.
"South Africa is an immensely patriarchal society. The history of the country has shaped the dominant forms of South Africa's racially defined masculinities."
CONTINUES BELOW
Preliminary findings of the report, carried out by the respected government-funded Medical Research Council and released last month, were met with horror. But many gender and human rights activists were not surprised.
"This tells the story of many boys, of many men," said Rebombo, now a 48-year-old divorced father of three.
His experience underscores the deep cultural roots of the problem in a country blighted by violent crime and the devastating emotional, social and economic legacy of apartheid's brutal racial segregation.
When Rebombo was a teen he was cruelly taunted for not being "a man".
Circumcision is considered a rite of passage by some -- but his father had almost been killed in the often unsanitary and brutal operation, and swore his son would not be abused that way.
So Rebombo was subjected to daily, constant jeering. "I was viewed as not man enough," said the large, soft-spoken man.
One way to prove manhood was rape.
Other boys pressured Rebombo to "teach a lesson" to one girl who did not want to go out with them. He resisted, fearful of his religious parents and their good standing in the community. Then he relented and a date was set. That Saturday, Rebombo was plied with beer and dagga to overcome his trembling.
"I had difficulty breathing ... I had never had sex before. I was terrified."
The girl was brought to a field and Rebombo and another boy were left with her.
"He started raping her. She fought him. I was just there, dizzy with all the stuff. He just stood up and said: 'Your turn.' I was there on top of her," he said, making a rocking motion with one hand.
Afterward, "she just ran home", said Rebombo. He said he could not even recall after the rape if he had had an erection.
Guilty, and fearful she would tell, he avoided her and a year later moved to another village.
In Johannesburg in 1996, working for a faith-based organisation involved with unemployed mothers, he was struck by the women's tales of abuse and bruises testifying to it. He started working with men to help stop the violence.
"That forced me to do my own introspection," he said. "I felt I needed to go find her and apologise."
So he went back to his village and tracked the woman down.
"I told her what I did those years back was wrong and I am here to ask for forgiveness."
Through sobs, she told Rebombo she had since been raped by two other men. Married with children, she kept the assaults secret, but sometimes cringed when her husband touched her.
Her life had never been the same, she said.
But she accepted Rebombo's apology and forgave him, saying it was difficult.
She also left him a task. "She told me: 'Maybe you could teach other men out there not to do the same thing."'
Today, Rebombo works for the Olive Leaf Foundation, helping parents and children deal with challenges including HIV/Aids, abuse and sexual violence.
"If more men would stand up and say 'This is wrong,' the better we can fight this carnage," he said.
Rape in South Africa is "deeply embedded in ideas about manhood", according to the study presented at the conference.
Researchers at this week's conference acknowledged the sexism inherent in most cultures but highlighted the strong patriarchal nature of African culture.
In South Africa, many blame the rape statistics on the violence, repression, poverty and psychological degradations of the white supremacist, apartheid regime that ended 15 years ago.
"Apartheid made violence an instrument of control and violence became the norm," said gender rights activist Mbuyiselo Botha. "Men would feel emasculated." Angry and humiliated, they took out their frustrations then -- and still today -- on the weakest victims, women and children, activists say.
About 5,2-million of South Africa's 50-million people are infected with HIV/Aids -- the highest rate in the world.
Despite one of the world's most advanced constitutions on human rights, traditional attitudes demeaning women persist and are perpetuated by the words and actions of leading figures in South Africa.
President Jacob Zuma, a proud polygamist with three wives, was acquitted of rape in 2006, but only after he acknowledged having unprotected sex with the HIV-positive daughter of a family friend.
Zuma's remarks about women, sex and Zulu culture caused major controversy and there were ugly scenes outside the courtroom with his supporters burning pictures of the woman.
While Zuma now speaks against violence against women, the trial did "tremendous damage" to efforts to encourage more modern attitudes toward women, Botha said.
"Fifteen years into democracy one had begun to think that life had started to normalise. This was a wake-up call."
Chief researcher Jewkes said rape in South Africa was "significantly associated" with childhood trauma and "abnormal" family structures caused by one or the other of the parents being forced to leave the household to seek work.
"Apartheid really destroyed South African families," she said.
Only a third of the men in their sample said their fathers were often or always at home while two-thirds said their mothers were.
"We know that if children are being raised by relatives they are much more vulnerable to being abused," Jewkes said, adding that 60% of women who report rape are assaulted by someone they know -- with children this figure goes as high as 80%.
Researchers, who gave no margin of error, interviewed men from about 1 700 households from a representative cross-section of the population in rural areas in the Eastern Cape and KwaZulu-Natal.
Daily headlines of rapes point to botched investigations and more humiliation for women.
On Monday, the Star carried a front-page story about a convicted rapist given a four-year jail sentence.
The judge said he was being lenient because the perpetrator was "well-educated" and his victim was "a grown-up woman" who had been hitchhiking. – Sapa-AP
Source: Mail & Guardian online
THE SMART NEWS SOURCE Jun 04 2010 15:03 LAST UPDATED Jun 04 2010 15:03
In South Africa, rape is linked to manhood
CELEAN JACOBSON MULDERSDRIFT, SOUTH AFRICA - Jul 09 2009 18:09
Dumisani Rebombo had not been circumcised, did house chores considered girls' work and was sick of being taunted for not being a man. So he took the only other course considered "manly" in his rural South African village: He raped a girl.
He was 15, the victim younger. Twenty years later he searched for the woman to beg her forgiveness -- a rarity in a nation where a culture of sexual violence is deeply embedded in society.
Rebombo agreed to share his story as researchers presented findings on Thursday at an international conference outside Johannesburg that more than one in four South African men surveyed admitted to committing rape.
A recent report published by Interpol said South Africa had the highest rape rate among its member states.
Police figures record about 54 000 rapes in South Africa in 2006 -- nearly 150 per day, or one for every 925 people in the country.
That does not tell the whole story: advocates say many attacks go unreported because of the stigma and trauma.
In comparison, Americans reported one rape for every 2 642 people in 2006 -- roughly a third of the South African rate.
"Rape is an expression of male sexual entitlement," said Rachel Jewkes, chief researcher of the survey.
"South Africa is an immensely patriarchal society. The history of the country has shaped the dominant forms of South Africa's racially defined masculinities."
CONTINUES BELOW
Preliminary findings of the report, carried out by the respected government-funded Medical Research Council and released last month, were met with horror. But many gender and human rights activists were not surprised.
"This tells the story of many boys, of many men," said Rebombo, now a 48-year-old divorced father of three.
His experience underscores the deep cultural roots of the problem in a country blighted by violent crime and the devastating emotional, social and economic legacy of apartheid's brutal racial segregation.
When Rebombo was a teen he was cruelly taunted for not being "a man".
Circumcision is considered a rite of passage by some -- but his father had almost been killed in the often unsanitary and brutal operation, and swore his son would not be abused that way.
So Rebombo was subjected to daily, constant jeering. "I was viewed as not man enough," said the large, soft-spoken man.
One way to prove manhood was rape.
Other boys pressured Rebombo to "teach a lesson" to one girl who did not want to go out with them. He resisted, fearful of his religious parents and their good standing in the community. Then he relented and a date was set. That Saturday, Rebombo was plied with beer and dagga to overcome his trembling.
"I had difficulty breathing ... I had never had sex before. I was terrified."
The girl was brought to a field and Rebombo and another boy were left with her.
"He started raping her. She fought him. I was just there, dizzy with all the stuff. He just stood up and said: 'Your turn.' I was there on top of her," he said, making a rocking motion with one hand.
Afterward, "she just ran home", said Rebombo. He said he could not even recall after the rape if he had had an erection.
Guilty, and fearful she would tell, he avoided her and a year later moved to another village.
In Johannesburg in 1996, working for a faith-based organisation involved with unemployed mothers, he was struck by the women's tales of abuse and bruises testifying to it. He started working with men to help stop the violence.
"That forced me to do my own introspection," he said. "I felt I needed to go find her and apologise."
So he went back to his village and tracked the woman down.
"I told her what I did those years back was wrong and I am here to ask for forgiveness."
Through sobs, she told Rebombo she had since been raped by two other men. Married with children, she kept the assaults secret, but sometimes cringed when her husband touched her.
Her life had never been the same, she said.
But she accepted Rebombo's apology and forgave him, saying it was difficult.
She also left him a task. "She told me: 'Maybe you could teach other men out there not to do the same thing."'
Today, Rebombo works for the Olive Leaf Foundation, helping parents and children deal with challenges including HIV/Aids, abuse and sexual violence.
"If more men would stand up and say 'This is wrong,' the better we can fight this carnage," he said.
Rape in South Africa is "deeply embedded in ideas about manhood", according to the study presented at the conference.
Researchers at this week's conference acknowledged the sexism inherent in most cultures but highlighted the strong patriarchal nature of African culture.
In South Africa, many blame the rape statistics on the violence, repression, poverty and psychological degradations of the white supremacist, apartheid regime that ended 15 years ago.
"Apartheid made violence an instrument of control and violence became the norm," said gender rights activist Mbuyiselo Botha. "Men would feel emasculated." Angry and humiliated, they took out their frustrations then -- and still today -- on the weakest victims, women and children, activists say.
About 5,2-million of South Africa's 50-million people are infected with HIV/Aids -- the highest rate in the world.
Despite one of the world's most advanced constitutions on human rights, traditional attitudes demeaning women persist and are perpetuated by the words and actions of leading figures in South Africa.
President Jacob Zuma, a proud polygamist with three wives, was acquitted of rape in 2006, but only after he acknowledged having unprotected sex with the HIV-positive daughter of a family friend.
Zuma's remarks about women, sex and Zulu culture caused major controversy and there were ugly scenes outside the courtroom with his supporters burning pictures of the woman.
While Zuma now speaks against violence against women, the trial did "tremendous damage" to efforts to encourage more modern attitudes toward women, Botha said.
"Fifteen years into democracy one had begun to think that life had started to normalise. This was a wake-up call."
Chief researcher Jewkes said rape in South Africa was "significantly associated" with childhood trauma and "abnormal" family structures caused by one or the other of the parents being forced to leave the household to seek work.
"Apartheid really destroyed South African families," she said.
Only a third of the men in their sample said their fathers were often or always at home while two-thirds said their mothers were.
"We know that if children are being raised by relatives they are much more vulnerable to being abused," Jewkes said, adding that 60% of women who report rape are assaulted by someone they know -- with children this figure goes as high as 80%.
Researchers, who gave no margin of error, interviewed men from about 1 700 households from a representative cross-section of the population in rural areas in the Eastern Cape and KwaZulu-Natal.
Daily headlines of rapes point to botched investigations and more humiliation for women.
On Monday, the Star carried a front-page story about a convicted rapist given a four-year jail sentence.
The judge said he was being lenient because the perpetrator was "well-educated" and his victim was "a grown-up woman" who had been hitchhiking. – Sapa-AP
Evidence that, in the west, manhood means the world to men, and they change their behaviour to how the society defines manhood,
Evidence that, in the west, even today
(i) manhood means the world to men, and they change their behaviour to how the society
(ii) they change their behaviour to how the society defines manhood, and that
(iii) there is a lot of politics and social engineering to change and control the behaviour of men through artificially defining what is considered masculine and what is not:
Evidence for (i) and (ii):
...consider the hardwiring of a boy’s heart. Researchers tell us that in every culture there is a code which defines what it is to be a man, a code which boys learn very quickly. This code helps a man overcome his natural instinct of self‐preservation to do what is best to protect the women and children of the tribe.
He fears harm less than he fears the shame from the rest of the males if he fails the test of manhood.
Masculinity is conferred on a male by the other males of the tribe. It is something he earns. If a man fails to be brave, stoic, and self‐sacrificing, he is branded a sissy and becomes an unmanly outcast of the men of the tribe. If a man succeeds in his manly endeavors he adds coins to his masculinity bank.
Males avoid anything that might drain their banks. That is why womanly behavior is so damaging to a male, especially a boy.
Interestingly if a woman engages in male behavior, she is often seen in a positive light, as a tomboy, or deliciously rebellious. Not so with a man who engages in womanly behavior. He will be branded a sissy at best, and often much worse. Men are embarrassed to appear feminine in public. Ask any man how he feels when he is asked to hold his wife’s purse even for a moment. Nearly every instinct in our son’s heart is to resist appearing to be feminine.
Excerpts from:
Boys, Masculinity, and the Church:
Why Boys Need a Strong Men’s Ministry
Evidence for (ii) and (iii):
So, if our boys see Christianity as feminine,what should we expect their attitude towards it to be?
Our churches need to appeal to our boy’s God‐designed masculine heart. John Eldredge writes, “When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy…If they try real hard, they can reach the lofty summit of becoming a nice guy. Now let me ask my male readers: In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream about becoming a Nice Guy?”ii
Men and boys dream about saving the world against impossible odds (and winning the heart of the beautiful princess in the process.) They are created for challenge, risk and reward, adventure, action,heroic sacrifice. Those motivations were precisely the masculine drives that Jesus appealed to when calling the twelve. Jesus had no problem attracting men. Fisherman dropped nets full of fish to follow
him. Hardened soldiers were awestruck by the power of his presence. Our sons need to hear the message, “Christ’s call to follow him never denies your masculinity. Rather it fulfills it, especially when you understand that to follow Jesus is to enlist in a war between two kingdoms.”
Our sons need to grow up in church where men have an identifiable presence as a band of brothers committed to being warriors in the spiritual battle together. They need to see in the men’s ministry that the church is a place for men and see that their masculine longings to compete, to be a warrior, to win, to take the hill for their commanding officer are fulfilled in their calling to follow Christ.
They need to be around men in the church who remind them that we are called by God to participate in nothing less than his grand plan of redemption for the universe, following King Jesus in the conquest of this entire world, spreading his kingdom geographically to the ends of the earth, and spiritually to the very gates of hell itself. Our passion, as his followers, is to see all of life redeemed, across the globe, for his honor and glory. Our calling is to something a little bigger than being a Nice Guy.
(i) manhood means the world to men, and they change their behaviour to how the society
(ii) they change their behaviour to how the society defines manhood, and that
(iii) there is a lot of politics and social engineering to change and control the behaviour of men through artificially defining what is considered masculine and what is not:
Evidence for (i) and (ii):
...consider the hardwiring of a boy’s heart. Researchers tell us that in every culture there is a code which defines what it is to be a man, a code which boys learn very quickly. This code helps a man overcome his natural instinct of self‐preservation to do what is best to protect the women and children of the tribe.
He fears harm less than he fears the shame from the rest of the males if he fails the test of manhood.
Masculinity is conferred on a male by the other males of the tribe. It is something he earns. If a man fails to be brave, stoic, and self‐sacrificing, he is branded a sissy and becomes an unmanly outcast of the men of the tribe. If a man succeeds in his manly endeavors he adds coins to his masculinity bank.
Males avoid anything that might drain their banks. That is why womanly behavior is so damaging to a male, especially a boy.
Interestingly if a woman engages in male behavior, she is often seen in a positive light, as a tomboy, or deliciously rebellious. Not so with a man who engages in womanly behavior. He will be branded a sissy at best, and often much worse. Men are embarrassed to appear feminine in public. Ask any man how he feels when he is asked to hold his wife’s purse even for a moment. Nearly every instinct in our son’s heart is to resist appearing to be feminine.
Excerpts from:
Boys, Masculinity, and the Church:
Why Boys Need a Strong Men’s Ministry
Evidence for (ii) and (iii):
So, if our boys see Christianity as feminine,what should we expect their attitude towards it to be?
Our churches need to appeal to our boy’s God‐designed masculine heart. John Eldredge writes, “When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy…If they try real hard, they can reach the lofty summit of becoming a nice guy. Now let me ask my male readers: In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream about becoming a Nice Guy?”ii
Men and boys dream about saving the world against impossible odds (and winning the heart of the beautiful princess in the process.) They are created for challenge, risk and reward, adventure, action,heroic sacrifice. Those motivations were precisely the masculine drives that Jesus appealed to when calling the twelve. Jesus had no problem attracting men. Fisherman dropped nets full of fish to follow
him. Hardened soldiers were awestruck by the power of his presence. Our sons need to hear the message, “Christ’s call to follow him never denies your masculinity. Rather it fulfills it, especially when you understand that to follow Jesus is to enlist in a war between two kingdoms.”
Our sons need to grow up in church where men have an identifiable presence as a band of brothers committed to being warriors in the spiritual battle together. They need to see in the men’s ministry that the church is a place for men and see that their masculine longings to compete, to be a warrior, to win, to take the hill for their commanding officer are fulfilled in their calling to follow Christ.
They need to be around men in the church who remind them that we are called by God to participate in nothing less than his grand plan of redemption for the universe, following King Jesus in the conquest of this entire world, spreading his kingdom geographically to the ends of the earth, and spiritually to the very gates of hell itself. Our passion, as his followers, is to see all of life redeemed, across the globe, for his honor and glory. Our calling is to something a little bigger than being a Nice Guy.
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